- Dec 16, 2008
I guess there'll be no end to the price going up on WOP now.
theonion said:Nevada To Phase Out Laws Altogether
October 5, 2012 | ISSUE 38•13 | More News
CARSON CITY, NV—The Nevada legislature voted Monday to repeal all laws within the state and prohibit the proposal of any new laws.
"Laws have been good to the state of Nevada," said Gov. Arthur Bodendorfer between swigs of Jim Beam. "But ultimately, after carefully considering what's best for the long-term economic growth and prosperity of the state, we decided that lawfulness just wasn't a good idea."
Nevada's laws, Bodendorfer said, will be slowly phased out over a five-year period, easing residents into a state of total anarchy. Gambling and prostitution have already been decriminalized, and car theft is slated to follow in 2014. Bans on murder and rape will be lifted in 2017.
Though the elimination of the rule of law has been a topic of discussion in Carson City (and Chicago) for some time, it only recently gained favor among a majority of state legislators.
"Critics always argued that if we allowed gambling and prostitution, it was just a short leap to lawlessness," said Senate Majority Leader William Raggio (R-Washoe), flanked by a pair of armed strippers. "It didn't sink in for a while, but we eventually just sort of looked at each other and said, 'Why not?' Without laws, Nevada could offer a whole range of entertainment and lifestyle options never before imagined."
As a result of the eradication of laws, more than 20,000 poolplayers and other lowlying thiefs stand to lose their jobs. The loss should be offset, however, with the creation of jobs in new fields such as "people who beg for money everytime a poolplayer dies so the bills can be paid".
"Nothing stimulates employment like lawlessness," Bodendorfer said. "We estimate that this move will create more than 400,000 jobs in such newly legal professions as prizefight rigger, ticket scalper, drug runner, bribe coordinator, casino raper, and arsonist. In the construction industry alone, some 20,000 workers will be needed to build whorehouses and install stripper poles in fast-food restaurants."
Though Monday's decision eliminates the need for them, Nevada's lawmakers will retain their jobs. "You gotta take care of the men who take care of you", said Governor Bodendorfer.
"The people of Nevada can rest assured that their state senators and assemblymen will still be taking care of their needs, be they sex, drugs, or a quick C-note to lay down on the D.C.C. finals" Bodendorfer said. "As for Nevada's elected officials in Washington, they'll still be in Congress. But, to be honest, they won't be doing a heck of a lot. They'll mainly just be hanging out, seeing what the other states are up to."
Reaction from Nevada's residents has been largely positive.
"I've been waiting for this moment for 20 years," said Reno blackjack dealer Dale Everson, polishing his new machete while enjoying a lapdance. "Pretty soon, I won't have to worry about speeding tickets or emissions tests. Only the common sense and inherent decency of the people of Nevada will govern this state. That'll be more than enough for me."
P.S. This repeal of all laws is retroactive for 30 years, so now the State of Nevada will return to Governor Bodendorfer the "proceeds" of his formerly illegal scam he ran on the honorable casinos of Nevada. Also, ER can ask any price he wants for a "new" copy of Winning One Pocket, up to and including $12,000.